"What could've been..."

Regrets in life cannot be avoided. As we progress more into life, we always find ourselves amidst choosing different and crucial decisions. These choices may present different outcomes and implications later on, but the fact is that we must choose one among them at the present.

My life is filled with confusions. Often time I find myself taking the wrong path. Usually I choose to believe what my emotions yearned for, never paying much attention to things that should rightfully be chosen. In the end, I find myself full of regrets. Regular people may not understand me; some would even consider me as oversensitive or so. But before judging me, first listen to my story…

I was born with a very gifted lifestyle. I have an average family. Though we may not be the big and rich type, we are happy living together. Things in life are always unpredictable; several unexpected things may occur later on. As with any stranger out there, my life also took on an unexpected and different path. We moved from place to place, and also experienced the feeling of anxiety and hardships. Luck was always by our side as we somehow manage to overcome all of it. But of course, things would always go differently again later on.

 

Our most recent place may perhaps be our best. We’ve been through a very large city and even the peaceful countryside. This time, we reside in a place where it is in between; not too silent and not too crowded. I felt love in this new place. It was the place that changes me. Maturity was not my strongest point, yet somehow I’ve learned to achieve it in this place.

I was someone who never cared for what’s happening around me. Happy-go-lucky, shy and shut-in in my house almost all day. I’ve never made too many friends and was perhaps innocent about reality. As a result, I’ve created my own fantasy world in my mind. A world so perfect and always in my favor. My own world became my sanctuary for running from reality. But soon I discovered how different the truth is.

For me, everything was like a movie. Fail once but soon fate would unveil success. Decisions made are always right as long as that’s what your heart desire. But I was dumbfounded by this fact; the world is not a scripted play that always ensures a scripted ending.

It is my emotion that always gets the best of me. Every time I am placed in a situation where I have to decide, I always play my “Movie-like” mentality. I always tend to choose like a lead actor does in any movie; something epic and something that would probably lead to an extravagant ending. Boy, how wrong I was.

I fell in love with a girl with such amazing traits. I just thought that if I play the good part I would get the good love-story ending, but instead it backfired miserably. But I never gave up hope of one day gaining the attention of the girl I love. I did every way possible to get to her, but again life is not a movie. My bitter fate in love affected my life up until the present. She was indeed the one whom I consider my first true love even though she never looks at me at the same light.

I always thought that after that my love-life would never ever be good again. But fate ensured that someone else would take place after my failure from her. Another girl arrived to save me from my dilemma. She was a woman with great qualities; no man could ever resist the unique quality she possessed. But this salvation came too soon as I was never ready to move on at the moment. Never did she give up hope on me, but I threw her away because of my still dominant feeling for the last. For the first time, I broke somebody else’s heart because of my own selfish desire. As of now, she left for someplace far away without saying a word to me.

Perhaps the biggest mistake I made was sacrificing my very future for the very first girl I love. My educational career was already going well but yet I gave that all up just for the sake of being with her at the same school. One could probably say that I chased what my heart yearned for, and yet another failure. When I moved from my current school at that time to another, it seems that she found someone else there. I tried to smile, trying to be happy that finally someone else had finally been there to make her happy, but for some reason I was so depressed inside. Finally, I’ve decided to move out of her presence. For a long time, I distanced myself from seeing her. I should be happy for her sake.

Just when I was about to be happy on my own again, she was there. She appeared before me carrying a burden that guy gave to her. For some reason, she was sad for something that happened between them. In my own mind I just thought that I should not care anymore. She broke my heart several times now, but why did I still care? Why did I still comfort her after all that happened? I guess I’ll really never know the real answer but I did.

As of now we have a good relationship as friends. I may have never been good enough to be her special someone, but at least we’re good friends. I always feel so special being with her, but somehow I am still sad. Sad by the fact that we’re just gonna be only friends after all. I wanted to tell her how much I love her and what I really feel about her. But I am afraid that again it may end in yet another big failure. I still don’t know why, but somehow I still get the feeling that one day she’ll find another one. And that another one would never ever be me.

After all these, I just find myself asking what could’ve been the outcome if I chose the different path? What if I’ve never met her? What if I’ve never left the one that truly loved me? What if I never followed her in the same school? Things could’ve been different for the both of us. I may never have to feel so insecure with myself right now. And I know she would’ve been released from the burden she is carrying right now which would be me. I know these may be selfish and undesirable thoughts but what if? I love her so much but I know she’ll never love me back like this. Somehow I just feel so sorry for myself anymore, desperately clinging to the thought of her finally acknowledging me. Several questions of what could’ve been still lingers my mind. But for now it’s probably for the best that I don’t question these anymore. I’ll just go on with my life the ways things are already are. And when the day finally comes for me or her to finally finds the one, just be happy about it. It may hurt, but that’s life, just try to think that things happen for a reason. I know the rightful aftermath would soon unfold. For now the important thing is I love her and it doesn’t matter what happened before anymore. Regrets are never going to make a person better after all…

-Alvin Reyes